What do I deserve? – Vayyishlach
Jacob pays to God, “I am not worthy of all the mercies and all the truth You have shown Your servant” (Gen. 32:11).
Literally katonti means “I have become small because of all the mercies You have shown”. As Rashi paraphrases the words, “My merits have been reduced through all the mercies and truth which You have shown me so far, and I am afraid I may have forfeited Your promises because of the sins I have committed”.
It is a very real problem that Rashi alludes to. How far have we a right to presume on God’s good nature? Is there not a moment at which we have exhausted His goodwill? What guarantee is there that He will continue to perform acts of love and kindness? Is His generosity really boundless?
Fortunately our concept of the Divine nature makes it clear that there is no limit to His goodness and that He does good even to the underserving But how we respond is another matter.
When things go wrong and we suffer, we do not mind telling Him that it is not fair. In theological jargon, this is the Problem of Evil. But we would do well to spend a moment every day focussing on the Problem of Good. The joys, gifts and blessings that are ours – should we not acknowledge that they too are not fair, in that according to strict justice we are probably unworthy of them?
Fair’s fair. Let’s complain if we must, but not forget also to utter praise and thanksgiving.
